A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing that read: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Good and Bad News
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That is terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, “What are you in here for?”
The other says, “Circumcision.”
The first boy says “Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
Question: What is a double-blind study?
Answer: Two orthopedic surgeons reading an electrocardiogram.
A 65 year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
One day Max complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor." His friend replied, "Don't do that, there is a computer at the chemist's that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $15."
Max figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $15. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it could change medical science forever, he wondered if this machine could be fooled and decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
Max went back to the pharmacy, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $15. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
"Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener. Your dog has worms - give him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins, they are not yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better." \
Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom, he manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two prunes each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve prunes.
"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two prunes."
"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
1. That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
2. Why won’t the anesthesiologist wake up?
3. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
4. Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
5. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
7. Come back with that! Bad Dog!
8. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
9. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
10. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
11. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
12. Damn, there go the lights again...
13. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
14. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
15. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
16. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
17. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
18. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
19. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
20. What do you mean, he's not insured?
21. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
22. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
23. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
24. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
25. I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
26. Let's hurry, I don't want to miss the basketball game
27. That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
28. Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street???
They were arch enemies.
Going to the Vet
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
Are You A Pessimist?
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."
Kendra had to go in and have her yearly physical done. When Dr. Sam remarked on her extraordinarily ruddy complexion, Kendra replied, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" Dr. Sam inquired.
"Neither," Kendra replied. "It's from my husband’s family."
"Oh, come now," Dr. Sam said. "How could your husband's family give you high blood pressure?"
Kendra sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
"I just hope it's not Alzheimer's," confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. "Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly."Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested.
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly he said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
On this the doctor says, "I see your problem, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the man goes back. "Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."